I'm going to jail i love you
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
