i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I am one with the molecules
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
