My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
