got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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