I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
