I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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