you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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