i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
