she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
