u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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