he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
