I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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