I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
