I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Damn victory sex feels great
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
