Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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