That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
