I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
