and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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