Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize