I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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