do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
