We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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