will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
whose ass print is on the piano?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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