Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
