I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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