remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
