u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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