So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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