sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
