shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
