I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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