I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize