I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
