This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
