Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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