I bet he comes in French.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize