dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
