Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
