we're chasing vodka with high fives
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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