He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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