i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
