I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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