in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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