This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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