How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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