i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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