How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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