just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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