I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize