ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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