so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
