She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
