I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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