he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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