I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
