Please don't use social media to get back at me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
