i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize