i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
