I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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