While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
